Is your nest full? Mine sure is.

  ‘How do you know when you’re done having kids?’, is a common question asked by mothers, even a question I USED to ask.  I read copious articles, said many prayers, asked many wise women, but never really found an answer.  When I had number 4, I was 90% sure I was done, but there was always a part of me that felt heartbroken at the thought of being done. I wondered if this feeling would always remain.  Would I always have this feeling of incompleteness?  

I’m relieved to be able to share that I feel done, I feel complete.  Before I fell pregnant with #5, I was 98% sure I was done, but still grieved the thought. How can a woman simply and peacefully say, ‘I’m done’, without any regret or any uncertainty as many of my friends have been able to do? How can the woman or man make such a permanent choice by undergoing surgery to stop pregnancy from happening? With the phone number for the Urologist on hand ready to go for the snip, I fell pregnant with number 5.  I was in shock. Unlike with the previous pregnancies, it took several months for me to get used to the idea.  Whilst I will always see pregnancy as a blessing, even now with a 3mth old, I have less patience than I used to with things like sleep training.  I also find myself getting excited about further study and job opportunities.  Now when people announce their pregnancies to me, I’m thankful it’s them, not me.  I can so peacefully say now, ‘I’m done’, without any uncertainty or any chance of regret.  I’m so proud to be mother duck of my tribe.  I’m so blessed to be their mother, what a gift, but I also feel a sense of completeness.  I feel excited about the next part of our journey together.  So for me, the answer to, ‘how do you know you’re done?’, is ‘oh, you will know’.  I write this with much peace, no regret, and a whole lot of thankfulness for this peace and my beautiful family.

Whirlwind year

Apologies. A very long time, no post scenario happening here.

I think it’s safe to say it has been an incredibly busy, emotionally challenging year.

I’m about two weeks away from delivering our fourth baby. Much excitement and anxiety is building in the house as we prepare to welcome our first girl to the family. I’m not really sure how to do girls. Hope she can teach me.

This year I’ve spent mostly pregnant, gagging, whilst at the same time raising our Golden Retriever pup, Matilda. Hectic is one word to describe it. We had already said to the kids we were getting Matilda before we found out I was expecting. I definitely wouldn’t recommend doing pregnancy and toilet training a pup at the same time. There was much dry reaching to be had for many, many months. The good news is, our main goal for getting a pup was as a therapy dog. Although she won’t be trained as one, she is doing a mighty fine job of helping our boy to smile on the days that he normally wouldn’t have smiled. To have Max walk in from school all tense and angry, and then just smile and laugh because Matilda adores him and instantly gives him cuddles, makes all the dry reaching and poop cleaning worth it.

In among the craziness of raising a puppy, being pregnant, working through issues with schools and struggling kids, we survived yet another Gaza war and riots. It was a tense time in Jerusalem, very little sleep was had, and really it still is intense. I’m definitely grateful for great security people, sending warnings of places and situations to avoid. Whilst I no longer feel vulnerable, I still need to remain alert to all that is going on around me. No time for relaxing. I will say again, this place has changed me.

It turns out, Joel’s position won’t be extended, so as of next March he will no longer be working in his position, and we more than likely won’t be living here in Jerusalem. Whilst there are positions available in Jerusalem, I feel like I’m done with this place, ready for a new set of challenges, preferably at a more relaxed, less intense pace. We will wait and see where we end up. This of course will bring a whole new challenge to navigating life. Learning how to prepare and transition the family and myself from one country to another again, but with older, more aware kids this time. Stay tuned….