We’ve been in Jordan for 3 years now, living abroad for 6. It’s hard to explain, but I always have an unsettled mind and heart about where I am and what’s next. I guess it is a common mind of an expat, but I find it all consuming, whereas some are able to be at peace. I dont know what this means, this uneasy feeling, but what I do know is that it hinders my ability to feel at home. It hinders the relationships I make and the decisions I make. Should I paint a blackboard wall? Should we move to a different location? Do I buy a new washing machine? All of these decisions cant be answered easily if you dont know where you’ll be in one years time. You do your best to guess where you’ll be, but you never know for sure. I guess nothing is ever 100% certain for anyone, but surely it shouldn’t be this unsettling. I work hard at not worrying about what’s next and allowing God’s plan to unfold as He seems fit, but I need peace, if not for my sake, for the sake of my kids.
‘How do you know when you’re done having kids?’, is a common question asked by mothers, even a question I USED to ask. I read copious articles, said many prayers, asked many wise women, but never really found an answer. When I had number 4, I was 90% sure I was done, but there was always a part of me that felt heartbroken at the thought of being done. I wondered if this feeling would always remain. Would I always have this feeling of incompleteness?
I’m relieved to be able to share that I feel done, I feel complete. Before I fell pregnant with #5, I was 98% sure I was done, but still grieved the thought. How can a woman simply and peacefully say, ‘I’m done’, without any regret or any uncertainty as many of my friends have been able to do? How can the woman or man make such a permanent choice by undergoing surgery to stop pregnancy from happening? With the phone number for the Urologist on hand ready to go for the snip, I fell pregnant with number 5. I was in shock. Unlike with the previous pregnancies, it took several months for me to get used to the idea. Whilst I will always see pregnancy as a blessing, even now with a 3mth old, I have less patience than I used to with things like sleep training. I also find myself getting excited about further study and job opportunities. Now when people announce their pregnancies to me, I’m thankful it’s them, not me. I can so peacefully say now, ‘I’m done’, without any uncertainty or any chance of regret. I’m so proud to be mother duck of my tribe. I’m so blessed to be their mother, what a gift, but I also feel a sense of completeness. I feel excited about the next part of our journey together. So for me, the answer to, ‘how do you know you’re done?’, is ‘oh, you will know’. I write this with much peace, no regret, and a whole lot of thankfulness for this peace and my beautiful family.